#PTSDDaddy How do you keep going?

How do you keep going?

How do you keep going

I was asked this question recently by a fellow brother-in-arms. This simple question is no simple answer and I felt that I needed to take the opportunity to expound upon this here. I received this question on my cell phone and believe me, I am no good at sending messages on my cell phone. The little letters and my big ass fingers force me to be much shorter in my responses than I am normally in life. This blog gives me a better opportunity to address

questions such as this as well as to reflect upon it myself.

How do you keep going?

This is a good question, how do I keep going? Why am I not a statistic? Why am I not one of the 22 veterans committing suicide a day? Why do I keep fighting something that is not curable? How do I accept the fact that I will always have many out there questioning and even fearing me simply by knowing I have PTSD? How do I reply to a question this complex? Then the next statements came…

It just seems like there’s no point. All I can do is take the pharmacy the VA gives me an remember punching a Gerber in my buddies throat to push an npa in there so he could breathe I haven’t been to counseling since my VA doc literally fell asleep in the middle of a session That was in February Booze, nicotine, caffeine and hate is how I get through my days. That and plugging my ear buds in at work and ignoring everyone around me I’m just glad someone is out there that understands what it’s like to see the shit over there.

How do you keep going?

The questions and statements get harder. Only another combat veteran can understand the power behind that question. Only a combat veteran can understand the point in one’s life where you have to ask another combat veteran this question. This is no small thing, it deserves a real answer. It deserves attention, it deserves a no shit reply.

How do you keep going?

Many things combined keep me going, but my main drive right now is my “mission.” I wrote on a previous post about my wife coming home and asking me “what’s your mission?” This question pissed me off as I reply with “what the fuck does that mean?” She said something to the extent of I need to find my mission and let her know once I’ve found it. “Fuckin retarded!” was all I thought about that.

A bit later, talking to another veteran friend, I found my mission. My father was my sanity, he was the one person I could go to and he would make all this complex shit simple. My father has been dead now for several years. I don’t have that sanity anymore, but he kept pushing me to write. He’s a big history buff and because of this there was a library of WWII and Vietnam books in the house. As well, I grew up watching pretty much every war movie ever created. He was a big believer in the guys like me, the guys who come home, telling our story. He showed me that’s how those who died become legend.

What’s your mission…

Writing is my mission. I am currently working on writing a book about my experience with PTSD and my treatments. The good, the bad, the ugly. There’s no good reference point for proud combat vets to get information on what the fuck to do? Where the fuck to go? What’s the process? Why is the process? Why did they give me this list of web links? None of these sites help they all say the same shit. Most of the sites I can’t figure out where to sign up as a veteran with PTSD but they have lots of ways to sign up to give them money to help veterans with PTSD. Why don’t I just keep my damn money and buy more beer? Stupid shit!!!

And BAM there it is… Frustration!

Let me explain something so I’m very clear. You can’t tell a dude he has PTSD and needs to do something about it. Then give him a handful of shit assuming it’s self-explanatory, oh and send him to a psych who deals with so many people who lie about having PTSD that they don’t believe anyone in their office anymore hence it becomes a room of judgment, the guy who doesn’t want to have PTSD now has to justify why he does have PTSD. Then a counselor who falls asleep while the guy is in session!?!?

22 Veterans commit suicide a day!

And there’s a question of why this many vets kill themselves? Fuckin’ retards! That’s why they kill themselves. Everything they love and care for is falling apart, they can’t fix it by themselves and this shit head in the VA falls asleep while the dude needs help the most.

How do you keep going?

I keep going because of this dude. My brother-in-arms, my partner, my family! I keep going because he needs assholes like me to call and apple an apple! He needs people like me to say that’s bullshit and here’s a better place to go they helped me out a lot! I keep going because when I started I was handed a bunch of bullshit, a pat on the ass, and a “good fucking luck” and that shit doesn’t work. I keep going because fuck those people who don’t give a shit or understand or help us. I’m a combat veteran who knows that I can help take care of my own better than these shit heads who read about PTSD on a google search or in a psychology major. I keep going because my brothers who are dead, did NOT die so I can come home and put a bullet in my own head. I keep going because people like this are important to me.

How do you keep going?

Sure I keep going for my family too. My kids are my world and lets be honest they need me. I would never send two little ones out in this shithead world with no father! I keep going because my wife deserves a partner to raise the kids, not to be a widow trying to make ends meet and feed her kids praying that they can make it through the week.

I have multiple reasons for why I keep going brother, but none of them are easy answers. At a time before I went through the different treatments I have experienced, I never would have been able to answer this question. I would probably not have made it long. But, keep in mind I was in counseling for the better of 4 years, it took me over a year just to admit I couldn’t do it by myself I needed meds in combination with the treatment.

How do you keep going?

I cannot tell another man with PTSD how to fix his PTSD. I can tell him everyone’s is a bit different. The reassuring part about talking to another combat veteran is even with our differences we understand each other. By understanding what you’re going through brother, I can tell you this! YOU have to find what works for YOU, but I will be more than happy to be here along the way. To help in the bad and celebrate the victories. You can fight PTSD (notice I didn’t say win) but with every victory along the way you get stronger and it gets easier to keep fighting. You have to take the first step.

What is the first step?

Get angry at the PTSD! Get pissed at the fact that the PTSD controls you! You are stronger than any case of PTSD ever will be, but you have to fight. You have to decide it’s done controlling you. Once you decide that the process can begin!

How do you keep going?

I hope this is a better answer for your question brother… I hope you’re ready to fight! I am here to fight on your side. I’m here to be a teammate! I’m no expert, I’m no “senior” I’m no “junior” I’m here with you, I got your back. Shoot, move, communicate… if you don’t communicate I can’t give you cover to move and we can’t get you to the next point to shoot. Keep in touch my door is always open. We will get you there, and you can truly LIVE your life again!

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