#TriggerTuesday – Today is 27 February 2018
I have a few triggers in mind today. For days now I was going to discuss the triggers that dreams can cause us. Waking up disheveled … Then…
My phone vibrated….
Notification : “Apolinar is on Snapchat.”
NO! Apolinar is NOT on Snapchat, Apolinar is dead. I have many numbers in my phone that belonged to friends, brothers… Some of these numbers no longer have anyone on the other end to pick up the phone. My friend Apolinar is one of them. Years later I’m certain his number belongs to someone else now but I still haven’t the heart to delete it. I know logically that deleting his phone number will hurt no one. It will not bring him back. It will not mean I forget him. Friends like Apolinar are unforgettable. But keeping his phone number is my way of keeping him with me through my life. There is no logic in my reasoning that I cannot delete Apolinar’s number from my phone. I cannot and I will not.
The notification on my phone today sets off a whirlwind of a shitstorm inside. Good memories, bad memories, memories of loss. I recall the day I found out he had passed. I recall the day I tracked down someone who knew what happened and made them tell me what the fuck happened. I remember tracking down one of his relatives just to tell her he was a hell of a man. I remember the empty space in my heart he left when he died. I remember the Afghans who I found who knew and worked with him. I remember shooting the shit with the Afghans on how he was and his personality.
And it’s funny and horribly depressing how a God damn snapchat notification can turn my stomach and my world upside down this quickly. It’s odd because part of me sees this notification and thinks “oh hey i should message him” for a fraction of a fraction of a second that shit seems real it goes across my mind and reality bites back like a fuckin tazmanian devil… “no dumbass never again”, and “haha got you fucker!”
Another way to look at it was it’s Apolinar’s way of reminding me that I can’t get rid of him. But lets be honest here, the positive way of looking at shit is not how PTSD destroys us from the inside. The positive way of seeing shit is a purposeful re-evaluation of the situation that without…. we spiral into our dark places. Those corners of internal hell that those who have not experienced hell will never know. Those places where you can look around at the veterans committing suicide and feel “yeah I can understand that.” Very few will carry the hatred and the anger that we carry. Those of us who KNOW this need to look after eachother. You know damn well that some shithead with a “look at the bright side” attitude will never have any affect on our darkness… except to amplify the hate and anger.